Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Valve Corporation Goes Bankrupt

BELLEVUE, WASeattle based video game company 'Valve' has been forced to file for bankruptcy following their 6th consecutive quarter without any profit. The lack of profit has been heavily attributed by many to their flagship game, DOTA2, which earns no revenue whatsoever.

"DOTA2 uses the free-to-play model", Eric Johnson, now homeless, said in an interview. "This means that while operating costs go into managing the game, we don't actually make any revenue let alone profit from the game's success". The news came to a surprise to many gamers who had just finished watching Valve's 4th annual "The International" competition, which was hailed as a success. Still, other gamers, particularly those on Reddit, said they saw it coming. "Valve let all of us play their game DOTA2 for free, we should thank them for their longstanding charity", one user wrote.

Former Valve CEO and internet playboy Gabe Newell showed deep regret for not selling DOTA2 in stores.

Gabe Newell, former CEO of Valve and now part-time mall Santa stated in an interview that, "we all knew that this day was coming eventually, we just hoped it wouldn't have come so soon". Unlike other games which are sold in stores for money, DOTA2 can be downloaded online for free, eliminating any means for the Seattle based company to earn any revenue whatsoever. 

Although the company had recently hosted a tournament with a prize pool grossing over 10 million US dollars, none of the money raised by the fans ever reached Valve themselves, putting a further strain on the company's funds. Valve is not the only company affected, however, as other, equally unsuccessful games such as League of Legends have also reported massive losses in the past years due to their charity-style business model and are expected to go bankrupt by the end of the year.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Local Man Escapes all Responsibility by Randoming

SUNNYVALE, CA— A man playing the online video game 'DOTA2' manages to die a total of 23 times without having to take any responsibility for his actions. The player, who had only secured 2 kills and 5 assists during the 62 minute ordeal, made it clear that the outcome of the match could not have anything to do with his hero choice.

"I've never played Meepo before, and I had no idea how to play him, that's true", the man said in an interview, "but I randomed him, what was I supposed to do, repick?". Replay analysis of the match concludes that other players on the same team made comments pleading with the man to repick into a different hero. Although all other 9 players at first unanimously agreed that his choice of hero was the cause of the game's outcome, the man was acquitted of all charges when it was clear he had randomed the hero.

"It's not my fault, I randomed. You can't hate me because I randomed", the man commented. Controversy surrounding the match eventually reached Seattle based Valve Corporation, who, when pressed for a comment, simply stated that, "although in most situations where a player single-handedly feeds for over 60 minutes, the blame would be on them, the fact of the matter is that the player in question randomed his hero, which makes him exempt him from any form of responsibility towards his team or the game's outcome".

Although further analysis showed a seething hatred towards the Meepo player by his teammates, he later assured everyone that the 200 extra gold he received at the beginning of the match was worth the outcome.

Valve Employees Begin Long Pilgrimage Back to Corporate Headquarters

BELLEVUE, WA— Following the conclusion of their fourth annual "International" competition in Seattle, Washington, Valve employees have begun their yearly pilgrimage back to their headquarters in Seattle, Washington. The journey, which typically takes the employees about 2-3 weeks, is expected to be longer this year due to the change of venue.

"Last year it took us a little over 2 weeks to get back to the office and get back to work", Eric Johnson noted, stating however that, "due to the change in venue it may take us around 4 weeks to get back to work this time around". Located a little over 12 miles away from Valve's headquarters on Northeast 4th Street, Key Arena is approximately a 26 minute drive away, trumping last year's choice of venue by a little over 1 mile. The arduous journey has caused Valve problems in the past, causing fans to become impatient regarding new content in their flagship game, DOTA2.

Key Arena during The International 2014
'The International' attracts gamers from around the world, none of which take longer than 3 days to get back home.

"People need to understand that after such a big event, we will need time to get back and situate ourselves back at our headquarters", a developer stated. "The venue is extremely far away from us, and it only gets further every year". A corporate spokesperson noted that the company is considering reserving a private jet for 2015, which is expected to reduce the time it takes to travel 12 miles by at least 1 week.

"To tell the truth, some developers get lost on the way back, and some never actually come back", Eric Johnson admitted. "The developer responsible for bots is actually still missing from last year".