Friday, August 29, 2014

Annoying Forum User Complaining about Balance Right All Along

BOULDER, CO— Long time DOTA2 player and even more long time forum shitposter "xXx-|<r1p+|P-xXx", who has for years posted long, incomprehensible rants about balance in DOTA, has officially been recognized as the new balance authority for years to come. The decision was made last Monday when a post about Riki's ult being too strong caught the eye of Icefrog, who, throwing in the towel, immediately realized that he had been wrong about balance all along.

"We must balance change of game to new metagame", Icefrog stated in a chinese weibo post, which was later translated by Bing. The player from Colorado has since been flown out to the Valve headquarters in Seattle, where he has begun work nerfing Bloodseeker, Riki, and several other heroes that have never seen competitive play in their lives. 

The new head of balance plans to use a mix of DOTABUFF and personal vendetta for the balancing process
"Earth Spirit is fucking gay", Kyle, age 14 said in a statement this Thursday after losing a 60 minute game, "make him less fucking gay he's fucking stupid". Valve, who have often claimed that careful, incremental changes are the best means to balance their game, have conceded that Kyle's impulsive and somewhat homophobic approach to balance has won the hearts of the Playdota forum community. The new head of balance has also announced plans to make 'mid only' the standard mode for competitive esports, as well as plans to remove observer wards, sentry wards, and "that stupid faggot item only faggots buy".

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

DOTA2 Users Create Map Editor within Map Editor

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA— Fans of the popular online video game "DOTA2" have managed to use the new, extremely powerful map editing software that Valve has shipped in a recent update in order to create a new, even more extremely powerful map editing software. The workshop tools but also the workshop tools within the workshop tools have both been hailed as a huge success by the community.

"When we first got our hands on the new workshop tools for DOTA2 we quickly realized that Valve had exceeded our expectations", one DOTA2 modifications hobbyist stated, "but we hadn't anticipated just how advanced these tools were". The new workshop tools, created entirely within the original workshop tools released by Valve, are now being used by users to create custom maps, a copy of League of Legends, a version of DOTA2 with nearly full parity, Half Life 3, Source 3 and a cure for ebola.

Users tinkering with the new workshop tools within the new workshop tools have stated that depending on the functionality of the new workshop tools they may be able to create another, all new set of workshop tools using the workshop tools built out of the original workshop tools. "We need to go deeper", one user said, emphasizing the fact that the new tools could also be used by NASA to guide missiles into space.

"We're pleased but also somewhat alarmed at how fast users are creating content", Eric Johnson said in an interview, stating that Valve may have overstepped ethical boundaries by accidentally creating the tools needed to create artificial intelligence"I was actually just messing around with some lua scripts", one user commented, "when I think I accidentally created the singularity". While many users around the world celebrated the birth of computer based sentience, other users complained that Techies still isn't out yet.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Valve to Re-Release Storm Spirit as the First "Fully Gay" DOTA2 Hero

BELLEVUE, WA— Valve have officially announced plans to remove and then immediately re-release the Radiant hero Storm Spirit as part of an upcoming promotional event. The hero, which happens to be gay and has existed in the game for a long time, has according to Valve, "not received enough publicity" by third party gaming websites and journalists.

Meet Valve's first "fully gay" male Hero in DOTA2
"When we originally thought of Raijin Thunderkeg's personality and backstory, it never occurred to us that we could announce that he's gay and receive a lot of free attention for our game", Robin Walker said in an interview. "Although everyone who plays DOTA2 knows that the hero happens to be gay and doesn't have a problem with that, we now regret not announcing it publicly to better our corporate image".

The re-release of Storm Spirit is set to happen in the early stages of September this year, and is expected to create a large response on journalist sites such as Polygon, Kotaku, Gamespot and IGN. "No changes will be made to Storm Spirit as a hero- his model, voice lines, and everything else will stay the same", a spokesperson stated. Skeptical fans have already questioned whether or not the re-release was even necessary, however third party journalist websites such as Polygon have already hailed the announcement as "a huge step forward".

"It's important that players are immediately confronted with the sexuality of each hero directly as the game starts", a Valve writer said in an interview. "This is why from now on, the sexuality of all heroes will be a fourth attribute alongside Strength, Agility and Intelligence. Storm Spirit will be a fully gay hero, but we suspect that we may add some one fourth gay or even one eighth gay heroes somewhere down the line".

Study Finds 95% of Mid Players Win their Lane

BERLINA recent study performed by Hurmboldt University has found that over 95% of all DOTA2 players who venture into middle lane win their lane. This theory, which has now been confirmed by scientists, contradicts the conventional knowledge which states that every lane must have a winner and a loser.

"Although we found it difficult to believe at first", a researcher at Hurmboldt said, "it turns out that even if your hero dies multiple times in the middle lane, you may have still been winning mid before or even after that point". The study, which sampled replays from around the world, found a surprisingly high amount of consistency among players.

The definition of 'winning mid' is a hot topic for everyone except mid players, who always win their lane.

"I didn't lose mid", a frustrated 0-11-2 Shadow Fiend said in an interview after feeding the enemy tinker for the ninth time, "I was doing fine until they ganked me. I won mid". While around 30% of players concede that they were only winning mid up until a certain point, a whopping 67% maintain that even though it's 30 minutes into the game and they still haven't done anything but feed, that they definitely still won the lane.

"I was winning so hard, he couldn't do anything", said Peter, a Lion player who randomed his hero and went mid despite his team having no lane support, "but then he got one bullshit hook off on me and from that point I couldn't do shit; but I still won the lane". Peter went on to go 3-13-2 while the enemy Pudge player went beyond godlike. His teammates, who were annihilated by the roaming Pudge for the rest of the game, found comfort in the fact that although they had lost horribly, their mid had definitely won his lane.