Monday, September 22, 2014

Man always Focused in Teamfights Analyzed by Doctors

BERKELEY, CA— Medical doctors have begun an examination of a man who claims to always be focused in teamfights. The analysis, experts say, was started after the man wouldn't shut up about being focused in an online video game for several minutes.

"Every teamfight they just focus me down dude", the man said in an interview, "they fucking focused me, I couldn't do anything". The man, who was incapable of being shut up, demanded his team acknowledge just how bad he had been focused down in every teamfight. Despite statisticians' best efforts to prove to the man that he was, on average, the fourth player on his team to die in every large exchange, the man remained unconvinced.

"Why didn't you guys just kill them while they were focusing me?!"

Following a long and tedious 20 minute teamspeak argument over what constitutes being "focused" after the player died alone in the enemy jungle to two support heroes, the man was eventually persuaded by teammates to seek medical help, which he did. "While we couldn't find any evidence of the man being focused in teamfights", doctors said, "we did find that the man was incapable of shutting the fuck up". The man has since been released from hospital care after claims that doctors were focusing too much on him during examinations.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Valve to Create Competitive DOTA2 Team for TI5

BELLEVUE, WA— Video games producer Valve Corporation has officially announced plans to create their own competitive DOTA2 lineup in hopes of winning The International 5, set to begin sometime in the summer of 2015. The team will begin bootcamping versus bots within the next month, and is among one of the first teams to receive an invitation to The International 2015.

"We were very happy with the financial success of The International 2014", Gabe Newell stated between Sand King games, "but one major issue we were still having was that a small percentage of our revenue was being paid out to players". With the new all-star lineup consisting of Gabe Newell (hard carry), Adrian Finol (space creator), Erik Johnson (motivational speaker), Abdul "Icefrog" Ismail (drafter), and Bot Guy (Furion jungle), the team hopes to use their extensive knowledge of the game (and its code) to their advantage. 

Valve assured players their 4 minute victory will at least be more entertaining than TI4's finals

The team has already begun honing their skills by practicing on a yet unreleased version of DOTA2, set to release one day before the event begins. While Icefrog has stated that although several dozen heroes may receive partial or complete remakes, the metagame will "more or less stay the same, probably". While some critics have voiced complaints about possible manipulation of the game, Valve assured players that sv_cheats will be definitely be disabled unless they accidentally forget to turn it off.